I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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