so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
