ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
