Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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