im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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