I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
