I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
