screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
