Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Two words: blizzard sex
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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