lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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