did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
