I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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