Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
