No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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