Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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