Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i permit you to call me
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
