Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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