I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
