And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
