Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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