someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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