so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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