and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
