our cab driver is having phone sex.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
