I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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