Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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