My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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