PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's never too late to be topless.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
