im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
