I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
