so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
