I am full of burrito and curiosity
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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