I wish I could teleport
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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