how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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