Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
