Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
