we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
