I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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