Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
