Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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