i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I still have a little drunk in my system
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
