JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His hands were made for my vagina.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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