I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
