Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
