Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
