i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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