SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I want to be your penis for a week.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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