yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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