There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
