Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
