dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I didn't notice because vodka
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
