glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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