What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
