I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
