whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
