You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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