The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
