At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
